There was an excitement and alertness about her which men show before a battle or a struggle, in the dangerous and decisive moments of life, those moments when a man shows his worth once and for all, and shows that his whole past has not been in vain but has been a preparation for such moments.
Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, Part 5, section xix

It is today.  Today is today.  It is an end rather than a beginning.  Leaving Little.  Back to Boston.  No wedding or white dress.  It is a gentle day.

I have eaten the chocolate and glanced most briefly over the rose petals.  The traces of V-day, gone.  I have been alone.  I have been alone with friends.  I have smiled easily and laughed.  I have read of sorrows without feeling them.  I have worn the ring around my neck with fondness and familiarity.  My heart has ached with strenuous activity alone.  I feel calm and am confused by it.

I could tell myself (and I have) that we wouldn't have gotten married today anyway; we had decided not today before I decided not ever.  I could layer calm upon calm by telling myself that today is not a time to mourn because we are not dead and hope still lives.  But my current hope is different from the hope I felt earlier; I now hope for goodness that fits me, not for his goodness to fit me.

He was like a pair of shoes that pinched just one foot.  A little bit all good.  A little bit all bad.

I have learned that no one is perfect enough that you won't have to choose them.
I have learned that agency is really all that holds this life together.
I have learned (again) that pain often signals a wound and should not be ignored.
I have learned that I must eventually choose to follow my gut or choose to become someone else.
I have learned that I desire to be myself above all else.
I have learned that even if I am not understood, I desire acceptance and respect.
I have learned that I am the judge of my own emotions and needs.  No one else can interpret myself to me.
I have learned that I did all I could, that I wanted it to work, that I tried, that I am not to blame.

So yeah.  Today is today.