Saturday, February 6, 2016

Now I Wait For A New Emotion. It'll Be Along Any Minute.

I'm thinking of moving to China.  It's very scary.  But also very exciting.  Joel is there, and I'm tired of long-distance.  Like, breaking up tired.  But no matter how confusing our relationship is right now, I have never given up on a love until it has given up on me.  And I choose to be the type of person who takes risks.  It seems to me that my options are as follows.
A:  "Well, I stayed in Boston, and it didn't work out."
B:  "Well, I moved to China, and it didn't work out."
C:  "Hey!  I moved to China, and it worked out!"

Honestly, I don't really think that moving to China is going to save our relationship.  I feel like we are teetering on the edge of "I don't care anymore."  I'm not sure why.  I don't know what happened.  Or if it happened to me or to Joel.  Or both of us.

That is a very depressing paragraph, up there.

I feel quiet and sad.

Who are we?  Are we not meant to be together?  Am I holding on by my fingernails for no reason?

I just don't know what we would be if we were in the same place.  Is that a good enough reason to try it?  Would he make me feel.... ?



I started this post with the intent to convey that moving to China would fulfill me in so many ways, even if Joel and I don't end up together.  I suppose I find myself in the midst of expressing the idea that it feels like we are already done.  And I still want adventure; I want a reason to do something crazy.  But maybe I need to clean out the baggage I've already got so that I can travel lighter.

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