I'm thinking of moving to China. It's very scary. But also very exciting. Joel is there, and I'm tired of long-distance. Like, breaking up tired. But no matter how confusing our relationship is right now, I have never given up on a love until it has given up on me. And I choose to be the type of person who takes risks. It seems to me that my options are as follows.
A: "Well, I stayed in Boston, and it didn't work out."
B: "Well, I moved to China, and it didn't work out."
C: "Hey! I moved to China, and it worked out!"
Honestly, I don't really think that moving to China is going to save our relationship. I feel like we are teetering on the edge of "I don't care anymore." I'm not sure why. I don't know what happened. Or if it happened to me or to Joel. Or both of us.
That is a very depressing paragraph, up there.
I feel quiet and sad.
Who are we? Are we not meant to be together? Am I holding on by my fingernails for no reason?
I just don't know what we would be if we were in the same place. Is that a good enough reason to try it? Would he make me feel.... ?
I started this post with the intent to convey that moving to China would fulfill me in so many ways, even if Joel and I don't end up together. I suppose I find myself in the midst of expressing the idea that it feels like we are already done. And I still want adventure; I want a reason to do something crazy. But maybe I need to clean out the baggage I've already got so that I can travel lighter.
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