Musings

I was invited to Aymeric's yurt for dinner tonight (that's Emerick, just spelled correctly this time) because I have finished his custom pair of pants and he wanted to pay me and thank me at the same time.  We got to talking about life and belonging and moving and leaving.




I have become very used to my nomadic single life.  I don't cry when I leave anymore.  Or if I do, my grief is brief.  I think it comes from practice and from a broader understanding that change happens.  I'm living more in the present, and each step, each train, each airplane can't take me any farther away from right now.

But I wonder if I should miss feeling bereaved.  Is the amount of my sorrow at goodbye a measure of my joy in the time together?  Is my heart growing calloused in that moment when I turn away and don't look back?

I don't think so.  I think that my sorrow isn't lost but rather swallowed up in the contentment I find in taking another step, meeting another loved one, seeing another day.  I can still see within myself the pain of letting go of the past, but it is a futile pain that I don't have much patience for in the day to day; the past will move on without me no matter what I decide to do. 

And I am getting better at guarding my old heartstrings, keeping up old relationships.  I do feel like I will come back here, for instance.  I feel a lot of power in my life right now, in that I can do whatever I want.  I can make things happen.  I got here in the first place; I can come back again if I want.

The community at the Petit Moulin has become my home, of which I have several.  I seem to find myself at home more and more in my life, and I have a feeling that it has more to do with being comfortable with myself than any outward circumstance.  Maybe being at home within myself is another reason why an end isn't the end; I still carry it all with me.  As Aymeric said, my self includes all of my past and accepts the people and events that have shaped me just as I desire to be accepted.



Dinner was delicious, and I am feeling very whole. 
Grateful.  I am feeling grateful, too.