As I walked away, I felt a familiar change as I put on my alone self (or shed my social self?). It is the moment when I stop bouncing energy off of a companion and start cycling it inward. I stand a little straighter, or at least I notice my posture more. I start to generate positive feelings of independence and competence. I also start to mutter to myself. Things like "platform 4, platform 4" or "where do I go from here?" and sometimes "that was dumb, Alexandra; you are so weird."*
I've never been in the Schipol train station before, but I found my way just fine. I used to dream of the day when I would feel comfortable in foreign places. In my early traveling days I would get so nervous before a trip that I couldn't eat and my whole body would shiver in anticipation. This Sunday morning, however, I felt fine. I ate a ton of breakfast with Hans and Marloes. I trusted the signs, I asked for directions in the right language, I got on a train, and it took me to Paris. Voila.
As the train carried me towards francophone regions, I found myself muttering French words and phrases along with the normal way-finding stuff. "Je ne suis pas d'ici" and "C'est le meme chose". I think my brain was gearing up and dusting off my old favorite sentences--the ones that sounded fluent even when I wasn't. Taking the Metro across Paris and trying to evesdrop reminded me that I am definitely NOT fluent (still and anymore), but I was greatly encouraged by the mental exercises my mind was making up. I can always count on my subconscious for a healthy dose of "I can totally handle this" just before the going gets rough.
Tune in next time for: A Brave New World, in which I need to be brave as I discover what I've gotten myself into...
*anyone else do that? or am I just...weird?
You're an amazing person. To say that though is like holding a candle to the sun.
ReplyDeleteI reprimand myself for talking to myself all the time. I think it's an unconscious sanity survival tactic of solitary travellers.
ReplyDelete