Parasol Project: Color

I've been surfing through clouds of parasol photographs and I've found some really amazing examples.  While many of the parasols I see are WHITE:

MFA 50.3161, dated early 20th century.  Cute, this one has scalloped petal shapes!

or BROWN:

MFA 50.3160, dated early 20th century.  Boring color.. But the handle is carved to look like a thorny branch, kind of mimicking the burl handle on mine. 

or BLACK:

MFA 1987.330 about 1910-15

...There is far more variation to be found than initially meets the eye.  Just look at these paintings, for starters!

Girl in red with a parasol, Max Pechstein, 1909

James R. Jackson, Dora with Parasol, 1917

Frederick Carl Frieseke, 1905, Lady with a Parasol 

Frederick Carl Frieseke, 1901, Luxembourg Gardens

Richard E. Miller, unknown title or date, see http://www.tuttartpitturasculturapoesiamusica.com/2013/11/Richard-Emil-Miller.html

The Parasol, Richard E. Miller, 1911-1913

Frederick Carl Frieseke, 1908, Lady with Parasol 

The Red Parasol, 1904, Matej Sternen

Henri Lebasque, Promenade Sur L'Eau 1918

MFA The Green Parasol, John Singer Sargent, about 1911.  Ooo these bluegreens are just the colors of my striped fabric...

The predominant color of parasol in these paintings is red or green.  I realize that those colors were likely chosen for their POP in the composition of the painting rather than their fashionability, and I concede that Light is the main concern of these artists, rather than Accuracy.  However, I do think we can assume that red and green parasols (and striped versions of the same) existed at the time.  Let's look at some fashion plates:

studio sketches, circa 1915-6, http://www.invaluable.com/auction-lot/four-lucile-studio-sketches,-circa-1915-6,-65b-c-8eb9eaae75

Journal des dames and des modes, 1912, I LOVE the polka dot parasol to match the dress!

The Delineator, 1911

Godey Lady's Book, September 1890 (early edges of the range)

1913, http://www.bartoscollection.com/fp1913.html

Delineator, July 1916, again a parasol that matches a skirt!  :)  Stripes!

Journal des Dames et des Modes, 1914, great color

Delineator, 1917, look how BOLD that purple and white one is...

1912 fashion plate from the Delineator.  Colors!  And layers of lace over color.

Even better than general fashion plates are fashion plates devoted solely to parasols!!  :D  I found two of these:

Journal des Dames et des Modes, 1914, http://www.sil.si.edu/ImageGalaxy/imagegalaxy_imageDetail.cfm?id_image=11704

"Aux Galeries Lafayette" from damaged magazine, likely c1910, https://www.etsy.com/listing/126291988/vintage-french-fashion-plate-galeries?ref=shop_home_active

And then of course there are photographs.  Wonderfully for me, the first color photographs were being developed around this time, so we have some amazingly striking images to look at:

Flora Stieglitz Straus, by Nathan Straus, c. 1915.   I was thinking that this image was fake, but then I found it linked to a legit Yale library! The problem is, it keeps getting attributed to another artist on pinterest...  http://brbl-dl.library.yale.edu/vufind/Record/3525030  

Mode aux courses, 1911-1914.  STRIPES!!  

Peter Ivanovich Vedenisov, autochrome photograph, Russia, 1909-1914, http://www.vintag.es/2015/04/30-early-color-photographs-of-russia.html#more  Amazing floral pattern..

Peter Ivanovich Vedenisov, autochrome photograph, Russia, 1909-1914, what looks like blue on the outside and white on the inside!

Peter Ivanovich Vedenisov, autochrome photograph, Russia, 1909-1914

Woman with a parasol - Autochrome photograph by Antonin Personnaz, c. 1910.  

And last, but certainly not least, I have a spread of fabulous parasols at the MET to share:

All colors and patterns and stripes! Stripes! STRIPES!!


I feel sufficiently justified in using my blue and green striped fabric now :)  I believe that what I am seeing is not some idiosyncratic fabric selection seen in one or two images.  There is evidence of stripes and bold colors used for parasols in a broad selection of visual media of the era--paintings, fashion plates, photographs--and the extant "archaeological record" supports this impression.

Thus and verily and so we see and all that ;)

Parasol Project: Dating

MFA 1987.329
This one is the same length and has a similarly long spike.  Also, the proportion of rib length vs overall length seems the same.  The open-work stripes are familiar, as well as the ball-tipped ferrules and the ruffle around the base of the spike.  Dated 1910-1915

MFA 1987.346
This one is a bit longer than mine and the proportions seem a little off, but the same super long brass-tipped spike is there, as well as the ball-tipped ferrules and a more subdued ruffle around the spike.  Note:  PURPLE.  Dated "about 1910".

MFA 1979.442

I'm including this one for comparison's sake.  At first glance, it looks similar, even though the spike is short, but looking at the dimensions shows that it is 15 inches shorter than mine and the description says it has a collapsible handle.  Dated 1840-65

NOPE NOPE

MFA 1987.347

This one looks different at first because of its curved handle, but the length is only a tad longer than mine, and the spike is long and brass-tipped with a fabric ruffle around the base!  The ferrules are ball-tipped, too.  And check out the amazing fabric used to cover it!  "Black silk tulle in three tiers alternating with two rows of white beads; sheer white silk lining."  It even has a "black velvet curved handle" O.O  Dated "about 1910"

MFA 47.1369

This one has a wooden burl for a handle!  Just like mine!  The length of the whole, the spike, the ribs, the balls on the ferrules, the ruching at the spike!  And the method of holding the parasol closed (that dangly bit with a metal ring hanging on the left of the picture) is the same too!  Date?  "About 1915."  

MFA 50.811

This one has many characteristics that match my parasol, and I'm sure by now you can pick them out ^^  What is interesting is that it is dated "fourth quarter of the 19th century", which is potentially a couple decades earlier than these other examples.  It might pay to keep my eyes open.  Even though I would bet that this one was wrongly dated.  

I think I can assume that my parasol is from the 1910-1915 ^^

Parasol Project, Introduction

I don't have a place to put a blog post like this.  "Winged Pilgrim" has typically been a place for travel stories, and it has served very well.  At this point in my life, I probably should be using it for travel stories some more, but I'm just not in the mood.  What I AM in the mood for is SEWING!  I'll summarize my feelings about this mood in another post (probably), but for now, I want to tell you about something Really Cool.

Two years ago, when Joel was visiting me in Boston for a month (back when he was living in Beijing and we were long distance relationshipping), we went on a weekend trip up to Acadia, Maine.  It was super cold.  That is my main impression.  We saw some cool views, but there was mostly still snow on everything, and we ran out of time, since Acadia is Way The Heck Up There from Boston.  Sigh.

On the way back, though, there was one thing I knew I wanted to do.  My mom and brother and I had taken a trip to Acadia back when I was in undergrad, and we had stumbled upon a huge barn full of antiques for sale <3 <3 <3  It was the type of place I could get lost in forever, and I found a great book on the artist J.C. Leyendecker.  Now, with Joel, I was hoping that we would stumble upon this place again.  I was counting on there being only one main road heading south from Acadia.  Guess what?  I was right.

The treasure I found this time around was a vintage parasol with a white wooden burl handle.  The white fabric was stained in some places and torn in others.  It had a simple faux drawn thread-work insertion band and these weird (seemingly rather modern) lace daisies stitched on in random places.  I gingerly attempted to open it, and the slidey thing (which I now know is called a 'runner') slid smoothly up and hooked simply into position.  No creaking, cracking, or straining sounds!  In my head I was like, I need a parasol.  I've always needed a parasol...

I fell in love with its quirky burl handle and jaunty brass spike tip, plus it only cost 25$, so I took it home with me!  And now, two years later, I am getting around to replacing the fabric and restoring it to usable and relatively historically accurate (HA) glory!!  (I may need to construct an entirely new HA outfit to go with it.. who can tell?)

Today I took it all apart, and now I am attempting to date it.  First, let's describe the frame.

The various parts of a parasol or umbrella (after Farrell 1985:91 Fig. 76)
from https://poplarforestarchaeology.com/2013/05/14/442/

Overall length 38 inches.
The handle is made of a white pine (?) burl.  13 inches long.

The stick is a pale varnished wood.  20 inches long from base of spike to top of handle.

The spike is an extension of the stick with a brass (?) cap on it.  Spike being 5 inches long, with the brass cap being 1.5 inches.

There are 8 ribs made of a dark metal but painted white (the paint is chipping in places).  Each one is 19.5 inches, including a brass rib tip (or ferrule) of a little less than one inch.

The stretchers are also white painted metal, each 8 inches long. 

The ribs and stretchers are not solid-in-diameter metal wires--they have a U-shaped cross-section, if that makes any sense, with the rounded edge facing out and the groove to the inside.  I'm assuming this makes each length stronger.

The runner and the top notch are the same brass as the spike tip.

The gits (best word ever) are all carefully wrapped in small swatches of white cotton, apparently to protect the outer fabric from the metal hinge wear and tear.

Its wingspan (ferrule to opposite ferrule) is 39.5 inches.

Now let's see about some pictures... 

As you can see, the fabric really does need to be replaced.  I have some good possible parasol fabrics in my stash....

from left to right, top to bottom: vintage lace strip (not sure I have enough), modern cream lace, thin cream silk, green and blue striped silk, sea foam green silk, pale green linen, HOT PINK cotton, and thin black silk. 

Possibly I have other options, but these are the ones that yelled PARASOL on my first dig-through.

Now, I have to say that I've wanted to use that striped silk for this parasol ever since I first laid eyes on it..  Can't you just see the stripes chevron-ing at each rib?...  *dreamy sigh*  And I like the idea of color, but I have to be honest, I think the pink is already out (it's pretty bright).  The cream silk with lace over it would create a really romantic look, though I am usually more about crisp construction than frilly details.

Before I choose any of these options, I need to know where in time this parasol belongs and what it's fellow parasol peers would be wearing back in the day.  I could make something completely off the wall and according to my whims, but honestly, the only time I'll be using it is when I want to look the part.  So HA it is! 

Off to the internet to find things out!

tips for speaking to someone who is obviously just learning your language:

1. speak slowly. If they are looking at you blankly, chances are their brain is trying to catch up to what you just said, but you said too many words too fast and something is short circuiting. One word at a time, please, and put pauses between them. The first thing a language learner needs to figure out is how to hear where one word ends and another begins. (That's when they unlock the skill of asking "what does ___ mean?" or looking words up for themselves.)

2. repeat yourself. and slooooowly. If you said a bunch of words and they didn't understand, chances are they won't understand the next bunch of words you fling at them either, especially since they are probably still trying to catch up to the first thing you said and won't even register any of the new words. Give them a chance to re-hear the words you first used before you move on to new ones. They might already know what you are saying, but it often takes a couple tries before a language learner can recognize a familiar word in an unfamiliar context.

3. use simple sentences. Subject, Verb, Object. Stop it with all of the extra words you use to make yourself sound like a normal person. Sound like a baby and start small. Subject, Verb, Object. If you don't know what those are, look them up, and then give the language learner credit for probably knowing more about the structure of your own language than you do.

4. use gestures. Subject (point to the thing), Verb (mime the action), Object (point/draw/mime/whatever you need to do. Just repeating a word that the language learner doesn't know will never teach them what that word means. Help them along with a visual. It might jog their memory about vocabulary they've been studying or you may teach them something new!

5. be patient. People trying to learn a language are brave and also scared. Don't act out your frustration or stress with the situation--they were already frustrated and stressed when they were persuading themselves to talk to you in your language. Smile encouragingly at them. If communication still doesn't work, gesture apologetically and try to find someone to facilitate your interaction. Remember, an experience doesn't have to be perfectly successful to be a positive boost in this person's language learning process. You are helping them be more fearless in their trying, which is the most important part.

To Blog Or Not To Blog

Three weeks ago I moved to China.  Two weeks ago I visited Tibet.  Now I'm visiting India.  I've been posting some things on Facebook because it is quicker, more universal-reaching, and simpler than "keeping up a blog", but I also feel like it is a bit more fleeting, for all that.  I don't like constantly posting new links for my blog posts, and I get the feeling that most people don't really care about the long versions of my stories.  So I'm going to try something new.  I'm going to post brief things on facebook and either copy and paste them on my blog or expand them into larger blog posts, as I see fit.  I'm not going to worry about integrating pictures into my blog posts anymore, since google photo is soooo much easier.  I'll post google photo album links where needed.  This may alter completely later on, but lets see how it works.

First order of business?  Taking all the long fb posts and copying them here:

Sept 27th

Just wrapping up day two of China times :) I'm happy. Also tired. Also I build a bookshelf today. And watched the presidential debates. And I got my security briefing at the consulate, my metro card, my registration at our housing complex... Oh, and I think I accidentally bought a bitter melon yesterday. Eric Dowdle, you will have to tell me how to cook it (if there is a way to make it more better than bitter??). Joel refuses to have any part in my culinary experimentation.. but the mango flavored potato chips were tasty! He's totally missing out.

Sept 28th

Day 3 of China: my bags are all unpacked, finally. Its a very unfortunate thing that I can't open the windows for fresh air 

:(  apparently the Chinese all do, but we have four air purifiers as it is and I start coughing if I'm outside for too long. the air conditioning is driving me nuts; now its a little too cold, now its a little too hot... maintenance ppl came in and hung something on the wall for me. it took them an hour. not sure why. i'm going to apply for a job at the consulate--once I start the process of getting cleared, I can sign up for private Chinese tutoring! I have all my chinese textbooks with me, but I haven't opened them at all... I think it is because, while Chinese is a foreign country, being married is the more foreign place and it is taking mental priority. but I WILL learn chinese! I must. this place is too different, there would be too much of a gap between me and the rest of this world, to not be able to communicate. as it is, i feel like i'm in a bubble and only French words come to mind (most recent other language studied). well, that's my brain space in a nutshell. also, i still haven't taken any pictures. i'm not thinking that way yet. tah tah! xx

Sept 29th

Day 4: today my new friends came to visit (we've seen each other every day) and we went swimming, watched Despicable Me 2, and went grocery shopping. also the 4 year old really wanted to try on my lipsticks, so we did. now i've made dinner way too early; i wanted to give myself time to re-acclimate to the (stupid) induction stove top and turns out i figured it out right quick! now i'm waiting for Joel to get home, practically fainting with hunger... maybe i'll read this cooking magazine... oh! last night we found some feral kittens at the playground and they were adorable!! after some discussion, Joel convinced me that we shouldn't adopt one (or both). well, more like he put his foot down about it.. but when we checked on them later, they were gone, so maybe their mommy got them back, which is the happiest ending to the story. and gradually this apartment is starting to feel like home. part of it is puttering around. part of it is picking things up and putting them back down, to get the feeling of complicity in how things are. part of it is putting removable hooks on the wall by the stove to hold the spoons and spatulas. yup, it's definitely feeling cozy tonight.

Sept 30th

DAY 5: today my friends came over again and we experimented making cookies in my oven-cum-microwave. there were weevils in the flour, but i worked around them. and the cookies worked! its amazing! next oven test: roasting. after that i got out lots o' cash to pay to this guy who runs a tour company who are taking me and Joel to the permitted-for-diplomats part of Tibet tomorrow!!! We *were* going to be in India on Sunday, but Joel's Indian visa was only granted yesterday, and he won't get it in hand until next week (familiar, eh?), so we'll be in Tibet instead. *grinning* i wore my Target sandals today and they rubbed my skin unhappy :( i can't figure out how chinese ladies wear such fancy clothes all the time. okay, any ladies. but chinese ladies have such interesting fashion... i want to do a street clothes photo shoot one day. and they are all so slim and petite. but i'm just going to have to look vaguely frumpy in my practical shoes. strange, how i want to look cool but i draw the line at pain in my feet.. the evening was wrapped up with watching last week's women's conference with the ladies from church. they were all excited to finally meet me :) and now, i just changed my name on fb and put that i'm married to Joel. now that we are together, it actually feels real :) goodnight.

Oct 1st

Day 6!! Early early!! I just had a terrible nightmare-dream about organizing another wedding reception. The cake was week-old whopper jrs and everyone drifted away from the party before I could hike them out to the dessert area.. so stressful.. 😰 also I think I'm going to have to put my maiden name back in the middle of my fb name, but fb wouldn't let me type it with the correct capitalizations and spaces!! The injustice!! 😫 Anyway, we are up so early bc Tibet today!! And I will be out of range for fb but will show you all my pictures when I get back 😁 Well, the interesting/super beautiful ones at least. Oh man, I can't tell if I'm experiencing a lingering cold or if I am allergic to something in China 😪I wonder where I can get local Chinese honey.

Oct 7th

Day Whatever It Is. Day...12! Wow, twelve whole days! Today I am rewriting my resume to apply for a job at the consulate. It is hard work, since I'm basically changing careers (if this future of temporary jobs might be called a career) and my museums career had only barely become real. I've got to merge Museum Experience and Child Care Experience into some skills that a Security Interviewer Person (not real job title) would need... After the resume, I get to write a Cover Letter, yay!! sigh. I can't complain; this project gives me something concrete to work on and achieve. I'm in the process of reinventing myself, you see. I have some sewing projects with me, I have some books, but I also want to go out and take full advantage of living in a foreign place. Also, real life has never consisted of sewing and reading and sight-seeing to my heart's content. I need something to be expected of me. Maybe if I turn sewing into a business. Maybe if I find some tutoring to do. Maybe if I get this consulate job. Maybe learning Chinese will give me structure. I'm starting to research meal plans for dinner, too. (Cooking dinner gives structure!) I've never had to cook for someone other than myself every night and I suspect that Joel will get bored of my pasta diet before long. I am lucky and happy to be here. I like new things. I also like responsibility and productivity. I'll figure it out. Right now, I think I'll heat up a pizza slice for lunch. and maybe some pasta. Mmm..

Oct 8th

Day 13 was spent mostly watching Stranger Things and I have no regrets, though you might since that means this post will be boring. We ate American food brunch at an Irish pub near the consulate. It was pretty much deserted and it still took forever to get me my biscuits and gravy. We played a game of pool and Joel only *narrowly* won. Then I picked food off of Joel's plate o' pancakes and was hardly hungry at all when my breakfast finally came. Shame. We took a taxi home, and have I mentioned how the Chinese drive? Basically it is every man for himself. There are some rules, like 'drive on the right', and 'pedestrians have right of way', BUT rules are obviously made to be broken. Every driver must assume that every other driver is a wild card. It's nuts! I went shopping and found some weird Oreos. China is THE place for strange flavor combinations. These Oreos, for example, were raspberry/blueberry and peach/white grape. The first weren't bad, but the latter tasted chemical. After heating up dinner, I shattered a glass tray in the oven when I tried to close the door and it was still sticking out. Oops. Weekends are awesome bc Joel is home to snuggle with ALL DAY! Plus tomorrow is our conference Sunday, and then Joel and I must pack for our next adventure; we are off to Mumbai on Monday!!

Oct 11th

TIBET PHOTO ALBUM HERE

Oct 12th

I ventured forth alone today. Forth from the safety and air conditioning of our hotel and into the crazy of what they call the "suburbs" of Mumbai. Ps, we are in India now. In preparation for this trip, I've gotten all kinds of warnings about wandering in Mumbai by myself (solo woman), so my nerves were all warmed up. I've also read that where we are at, there isn't much to "see". But I needed some things from the store (makeup remover for me, hair gel and deodorant for Joel), and I wanted to stop by The Yoga Institute for information on classes. It was just a twenty minute walk with a brief detour, so I figured I'd be fine. I sketched out a quick map to follow (the data on this new sim card hasn't kicked in yet), I packed some bottled water, and I went. First of all, I don't care if they call this a suburb, it ain't nothing like no suburbs I've ever seen at home. (Duh.) 1. aren't suburbs where people life and commute to work in the main city? These people weren't commuters. They were all still here! 2. there are no street signs. Its a good thing I drew a map and didn't just write down a street list. 3. no one walks on the crappy sidewalks, everyone walks in the street and all the cars and scooters honk to warn ppl they are coming. 4. as far as I can tell, the population of India is 97.8% men, since I only saw a woman, like, ten times. Three of those were scaling and filleting fish on the sidewalk. and 5. If Chinese traffic is bad, it was just a warm-up for Indian traffic. Walking across the street was like playing Frogger. And just the sum chaos on the street was immense. The sense of being watched, of being noticed, of standing out was very strong. Taking a wrong turn meant turning around which meant looking vulnerable, so I tried my best to forge ahead even when I wasn't sure. I needed to not look like a noob. I needed to have a blank face: not friendly, but not judgmental; not happy but not disgusted. I'm not sure how well I did that. I maneuvered through some tough spots and had been walking a while when I started to get nervous that I had missed a turn or had walked too far when I finally saw a sign for yoga and found this peaceful green garden with all the information for yoga classes and even a bathroom to pee in. As I sat and wrote and sketched and regrouped, I realized that my return trip would be very different. Knowing where I am going is more than half the battle. Suddenly the men on the street were part of the pedestrian environment and not primarily menacing threats. The dirty crazy shop fronts could be looked at in curiosity rather than rushed past. The streets themselves were my co-conspirators, my slowly unfolding red carpet home, instead of my labyrinth. All in all, I felt much better. Turns out that there is PLENTY to see in this so-called suburb. Not temples or museums or anything, but people and clothing and traffic patterns and stray dogs and weird adverts and flower garlands and all those fish-monger women. And I'm heading out for a yoga class in the morning!

Oct 13th

so last night I got all congested. and then I got all achy. and then I slept terribly. Joel and I read the symptoms of Dengue fever, because I got a mosquito bite on Tuesday and I was nervous, but there's an incubation period of six days or so, so that's not it. Here's the thing, though. When I first got to Chengdu three weeks ago I started sneezing and sniffling. When we stayed in Tibet last week I had to take nyquil to sleep and dayquil to hike. And now my sinuses are filling up again! I don't usually get sick, so I think its the change of climate, change of recycled air, change of altitude, change of food. I'm going to stay in bed this morning. Read some Ramayana. Watch some food TV. Meet Joel for lunch. Maybe go visit a nearby temple in the afternoon. Take it easy. I really should've brought my 'quils on this trip..

Have you ever heard of Beyond The Beautiful Forevers? Its a journalistic book written about a slum in Mumbai called Annawadi. I haven't read it. Yet. One denizen described the slum and its surroundings: "Everything around is roses. And we are the shit in between." The tiny slum is ringed by the new international airport and expensive hotels. I just realized that I am staying in one of those rosy, expensive hotels. Maybe a neighborhood south or so, but still. That's a weird thing.
I also found out today that there is a word for the row of slapdash tarp lean-tos and the families that inhabit them that I passed on my walk yesterday; pavement-dwellers. There's a Wikipedia article on them. About the Mumbai ones in particular.
(I think this is the closest I've been to famous poverty. <- I'm not sure how I feel about that sentence. Or about this post as a whole.)

Oct 14th

FEELING BETTER! I went to yoga today. At first I was nervous to walk again bc it was a different time of day than last time and who knows what the pedestrian demographic will be! Well, the pedestrian demographic at 7:45 am is lots of little uniformed school girls walking themselves to school. I felt a lot better to be in that crowd. Soon I'll be confident at all times and in all places. Because I haven't done a ton of yoga before and I don't speak hindi, one of the teachers gave me a private lesson. The class that I looked in on was full of Indian women, most of them dressed in the Indian female "three piece suit" of cotton pants, tunic, shawl. No spandex. My teacher was in jeans. Turns out this kind of yoga is the super peaceful kind that focuses on breathing and light stretches. I think I actually sweat the least during that hour of yoga than at any other time during the day, including while sitting in air conditioning. I also got a ton of bug bites on my arms during class. Did I mention that its Dengue Fever season? I'm going to invest in some bug spray. After class I went to the ISKCON temple, which is a really beautiful building of white marble designed by a Dutchman (yay, Dutch people!!). I got approached by an Indian family to take a picture with them. They even tried to get me to hold their baby for a picture, but she (the baby) wasn't having it. She didn't even smile at me, not one little bit! A monk in orange t-shirt and robes approached me as I was wandering around and reading signs. He told me about Hare Krishna, the god, and how he has revealed Eternal Truth and Real Yoga and other spiritual things to various spiritual leaders over the years, including His Divine Grace Abhay Charanaravinda Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, (have you tried actually pronouncing that or did you skim over it?), who founded the International Society for Krishna Consciousness (ISKCON) in New York in the 1960's. There is a tiny plant in the courtyard that is very special somehow (it was a 'she' and sometimes they worship her) and when the monks make food for the idol of Hare Krishna they always have to include a leaf from this tree, or Krishna won't accept it. Seeing as how they cook meals for him every day, and this plant was small and not stripped bare, I have my suspicions about the truth of that claim. Then this monk gave me a tour through His Divine Grace's quarters, now turned into a museum. Then he tried to sell me some books. I didn't want any. But I thanked him anyway. Now, after delicious lunch at the consulate, I think I am going to sit in the steam room and then finish watching Ghandi. 

Now you are all caught up!  Onward!

Look At Me Now

I'm moving to China.  As Joel's wife.  Well, I'm not his wife yet.  Nor am I exactly moving to China at this time.  I'm moving all of my stuff to my parents' house in anticipation of moving to China.  Which will happen only after I am his wife.  Which will happen in five weeks.  Well, five weeks from this morning.  :)

I just reread my last post (here), and it's amazing to see where we are now!  Getting married in five weeks.  I suppose a few things needed to happen first.
a) We both needed to recover from the fight and week-long break we had taken the first week of February and remember how much we like each other.
b) I needed to decide NOT to move to China without more assurance from him that I wouldn't have to move back to Boston and start my life over from scratch.
c) He needed to decide that he wanted me in China enough to
d) ask me to come with him permanently--in the form of a proposal.
All of that happened.  It's basically a miracle!

So.  Now I am sitting in my adorable Belknap Street dining room, packing up my costume/history books.

And I'm thinking deep thoughts to myself, about myself.  Existential thoughts.  I haven't looked at any of these books in a year.  I didn't teach this semester; the last time I taught was a whole year ago.  Isn't that odd.  Years are passing faster.

I know I love these books and the knowledge contained within them.  But it's like I am looking at that part of myself from the other end of a long, dim hallway.  These books are dusty.  My packets of research from grad school are relics from another epoch.  There was an Alexandra who could have made this her life.  Is she still inside me?  Has the daily grind of the 9 to 5 covered her up?  Or smothered her?  Has the constant thought of my love far away distracted me permanently or for a moment only?

What about this new life I am headed for?  What kind of Alexandra will I shake out to be when I am a stranger in a strange land with little-to-no life structure?  Will this latent interest spring again to life?  Will I follow the scholarly or the more hands-on path?  Will I excavate what I loved and dig even deeper?  Or will all the newness lead me further down the hallway of life, away from the passion of my past?



I wonder all of this as I pack sturdy liquor boxes full of my hard-won collection of niche knowledge.
There is only one way to find out.

Now I Wait For A New Emotion. It'll Be Along Any Minute.

I'm thinking of moving to China.  It's very scary.  But also very exciting.  Joel is there, and I'm tired of long-distance.  Like, breaking up tired.  But no matter how confusing our relationship is right now, I have never given up on a love until it has given up on me.  And I choose to be the type of person who takes risks.  It seems to me that my options are as follows.
A:  "Well, I stayed in Boston, and it didn't work out."
B:  "Well, I moved to China, and it didn't work out."
C:  "Hey!  I moved to China, and it worked out!"

Honestly, I don't really think that moving to China is going to save our relationship.  I feel like we are teetering on the edge of "I don't care anymore."  I'm not sure why.  I don't know what happened.  Or if it happened to me or to Joel.  Or both of us.

That is a very depressing paragraph, up there.

I feel quiet and sad.

Who are we?  Are we not meant to be together?  Am I holding on by my fingernails for no reason?

I just don't know what we would be if we were in the same place.  Is that a good enough reason to try it?  Would he make me feel.... ?



I started this post with the intent to convey that moving to China would fulfill me in so many ways, even if Joel and I don't end up together.  I suppose I find myself in the midst of expressing the idea that it feels like we are already done.  And I still want adventure; I want a reason to do something crazy.  But maybe I need to clean out the baggage I've already got so that I can travel lighter.